Naturalist Kamera |

For those of you who have been in relationships before, I’m sure you remember your first boyfriend. Maybe you thought you two were going to be together forever, soul mate, that they were the most attractive person you’ve seen. These are all theories. We all have our own feelings and thoughts towards someone you want to get involved with. The “Honeymoon Phase”…oh what a feeling. I had never experienced that phase before with another guy. Everything seemed so perfect, I couldn’t see many (if any) flaws in my boyfriend. I was not alone anymore and I was with someone I deeply cared about. Every time I saw him, I got butterflies in my stomach and it was such a wonderful feeling. I wish I felt that way all the time.

We met on Grinder, right before I was about to delete the app. I was having a bit of a rocky period in my life and I wanted to get away from hook-ups and dating for a little bit. This guy caught me off guard. Sweet talking, handsome looking (beautiful eyes and eyebrows), and quirky in his own way. Right off the bat I saw there was some mutual connections, but then again it’s dating, you represent the best parts of yourself. Can’t let them see your flaws right off the bat because then you’ll scare them off, right? I talked him before we met that I was not doing a hook-up, for which he replied “Well then the pressures off.” I met with him the night I was about to delete the app, but I had previously talked with him off and on for the last couple of weeks.

Our first date went well. He seemed receptive, we had a good conversation. He was cute, interesting, and I liked him. I was not expecting anything to develop between the two of us after the first date. The only thing that changed my mind was that when we were saying goodbye, he gave me a kiss on my forehead. Whoa. Did that just really happen? What a sweetie! We met shortly after for another meet up/date. I started to get to know him a little better and I was wondering where we were headed after the 3rd or 4th date. So I asked him “What are you looking for?” which he replied “I’m not really sure.” We continued to talk and one conversation led to another and I eventually told him I was looking for a relationship. I told him I was the monogamous type. I can’t remember if he responded to that or not. I remember sitting on some benches near the waterfront and talking about the direction I was looking for. “I can see us as boyfriends, can you?” he asked. I replied yes, which he then kissed me on the lips, which caught me off guard. From that moment, that changed our direction. About 2 1/2 weeks later, I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend, which he was very happy about and replied “yes.”

We did not have sex for 3 weeks since we met. I told him I was not going to have sex with him until he got a full STD test, which I went with him to get. I was also with him when he got the results. Alright, we were both in the clear, let the physical intimacy begin. He had the type of body I was most attracted to. Swimmers build and slim. It just seemed so perfect, I found a guy I connect with on an emotional level and a physical level. Some of the things he would say implied we would be together forever, and for a moment I believed it. I tried hard not to picture a life-long future with him because I know from doing that from the past that it just ends in disappointment. I couldn’t help it though.

Every free time I had, I wanted to spend it with him. For the first month we would see each other about 4 times a week. He lived 15 minutes from my place, which is really convenient. He does not have a car, so I would be the one that mostly went to his place. I slept more over at his place than vice versa. I wanted this infatuation sensation to last forever, but at the 2 month mark, something changed.

We had a discussion after a stressful weekend and topics that came up from his side were mostly focused on me. He thought I was doing everything that he wanted to do and not really doing much of what I wanted to do. I replied “I have lived alone for 7 years and I’ve gotten to be selfish and do anything I want to do and now that I have you in my life, I want to things you want to do.” It made sense in mind, but I don’t think it meant the same to him. He pointed out my confidence issues and that I don’t seem to be honoring myself and that I am a little bit of a pushover (particularly with this one friend that was visiting me that weekend that he got to met). The focus was on me and it was uncomfortable. I remember after we had that conversation that after I dropped him off, I felt a horrible feeling. I felt like this was the beginning of the end of our relationship. It “felt” like: “There’s this, this and this that you should work on. I wish you the best.” Horrible feeling. Shortly after I had doubts about us and I had a gut feeling that he was cheating on me. I had no proof, but it was just a gut-wrenching feeling.

I pushed through the doubts because unlike the majority of my generation, I did not want to give up at the first signs of difficulty. I want to work through problems and come out a better person in the end and have a better understanding of the situation. I am the type of person who likes to communicate and who enjoys conversation, even though there may be some really difficult topics. He, on the other hand did not communicate like that. He processes it by himself, which makes it very hard to talk to him about anything sensitive. I never actually talked to him about my doubts, until last Friday, the day he broke up with me.

His reasonings for breaking up with me were 1) He wants someone easy. Someone who isn’t so serious and emotional. 2) He thinks I deserve someone who I can have more sex with and blah blah blah. 3) I don’t even know him that well.

Let me just say, these are terrible excuses. You want someone easy? So a robot? Good luck with that. You think I deserve someone I can have more sex with? What are you not telling me? Because you are putting the emphasis on me being happier, I think you are hiding something. No one is like “oh yeah, you deserve someone better than me.” If you had severe self-esteem issues and you thought that way, I think I would be able to tell from your facial expressions if you were truely feeling unworthy or if you were deflecting. I don’t you that well. Very true, but doesn’t part of a relationship consist of getting to know each other better? What are you hiding?! We got in an argument during the break up, where he was being demeaning and disrespectful to me. His true colors were showing. I was feeling vulnerable and he was just making things worse. I ended up taking things I made for him back and left his place.

I should have listened to my intuition. I got an STD test a couple of days after we broke up and got my test results back a couple of days later. What do you know, Chlamydia. I can’t tell you how traumatic and devastating it is to have someone cheat on you. The images of your boyfriend having sex with another guy is so horrible. Just horrible. I was a complete emotional mess for about 4-5 days after the break up. The STD tests gave me certainty though. I was faithful from day 1 and knew I was clean of STD’s prior to that (I recently got tested around the same time he did). So the guy who wears his heart on sleeve got cheated on and on top of that, got an STD from it. There should be no “well at least it’s curable.” That’s not empathy. What he did was totally wrong and I will never forgive him for that. He could have talked to me or broke up with me before he was unfaithful, but he instead decided to take the cowards approach.

This will take a while to heal from betrayal. I have had trust issues before and this exacerbates my issues many times. If I have learned anything from this experience, it is to trust your gut feeling. It may be wrong sometimes, but I believe we get those feelings when our mind is trying to tell us “proceed with caution” or “what if?…” I didn’t listen to my intuition because I was so caught up in the infatuation/honeymoon phase. There were some red flags that I should have paid attention to. These are my reasonings for why I should have called it off before he did:

• He is a big stoner. He smokes almost every day if he can afford it. If it’s not pot, it’s cigarettes. I honestly believe that he was numbing himself of feelings he did not want to experience. Loneliness, depression, uncertainty, unhappiness, questioning his future, etc. These are just examples of why I believe people numb themselves with drugs and alcohol. I don’t have a problem with people smoking pot. I am pro-pot for sure. He smoked very frequently and did not communicate well. This should have been a red flag early on, but the only way to find out if it was going to work was to try it.
• He has slept around a lot. Now before you get defensive and want to say “How is that a reason for not giving him a chance?!” I’ll tell you. He has slept around so much that he somehow gets Azithromiacin from someone. In case you are not aware, that drug is the antibacterial drug to cure Chlamydia. He had a supply of it, which tells me he has no shame in having unprotected sex and then taking the meds if he gets symptoms. That should have been a red flag for me. When I went with him to get tested, he told me he had Chlamydia or gonorrhea and he did not seem surprised by it. He must be asymptomatic. The only benefit I will give him is that I have only seen him on 1 hook-up app. I’ve been on 9 apps at one time (and not looking for a hook-up!!!), and Grinder is the only app he was on. He did have friends with benefits when we were first dating though, so perhaps he had a system going to where he didn’t need the apps as much.
• He told me a month ago that he was at the bar and when he walked home he climbed into a tow-away vehicle and jacked off inside. That did trigger a red flag to me, but I brushed it off and gave him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing. It could have been that was the time he cheated on me too. I would not be surprised.
• This is a debatable reason, but he always looked like he had something on his mind when we’d be laying down. His eyes would wander back and forth and he just wasn’t at ease. I asked him a few times if everything was all right and he said all was fine. I’m an observant person and noticing traits like that get me thinking. I don’t think just this trait is grounds for not giving someone a chance, let me be clear. It’s this trait in addition to the others that I believe warranted re-thinking the relationship.
• When we’d be at a stoplight, he’d sometime make degrading comments about someone crossing the road in front of us. For instance, he’d say something like “This bitch…” and be referring to a young guy crossing the road. He was judgmental towards other people, which is not my style. I do think we all have a tendency to judge, but I am not verbal about it and when I catch myself in those moments I tell myself that I do not know that persons story.
• He doesn’t seem to decipher between what’s morally right and wrong.

I suppose this is a life lesson that I had to learn the hard way. As someone who is looking for something real, I am struggling with finding it here in Portland. I believe I am looking for love in all the wrong places and finding out the hard way. I know there are committed, attractive, family-orientated guys out there, but finding them will be my biggest obstacle.