Naturalist Kamera |

Starting in March, I had met someone on Grinder (I know, classy) and eventually went to meet up with this guy. He invited me over to his apartment, which thinking back to previous invites, statistically speaking would probably end in an hook up for the night. So I went over to his house, with that thought in the back of my mind. He only lives about an 8 minute walk from my place. Super close. Super convenient.

The day finally came where both of us had a gap in our work schedule/life where we could actually meet up. So I went over to his apartment. He wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. His personality was very optimistic and he had a higher pitched voice than I was anticipating. These weren’t flaws, I was just pleasantly surprised by them. He lived with a roommate and coincidentally, he was gone for a couple of days.

We started talking about ourselves and then there was a pause and I said “well, I don’t want to keep you up later than you need to be…”. He looked at me and said that I wasn’t keeping him up. “Do you want to go to my bedroom?”. Yes, I gladly replied. Things just escalated from there. He said I was giving off really good energy that night. He was experienced and knew what he wanted, so it made my night more relaxing knowing that I was the only one with little experience.

I slept over at his house that night. It was great to be cuddled by a cute guy and to cuddle him as well. I’ve only slept over at one other guy’s house prior to this one. It’s something I missed and yearned for. It was a good night, despite how “large” he was and how inexperienced I was. We ended up talking about what we were looking for. I know from experience that mentioning a relationship scares guys away, so I instead mentioned a friends with benefits. He was after the same thing.

I left his house that first night thinking I was never going to see him again and that this was just experience. I ended up seeing him again. Many times. I hardly knew him outside the bedroom. Only one time that I hung out with him was it not sexual. I was ok with just having sex with him, but I was wanting to hang out as friends. We’ve already hammered the “benefit” part. It was probably my 4th or 5th time sleeping over at his place where I started to develop slight feelings for him. I tried to brush it off, thinking that I could control the feelings and switch them off subconsciously. I learned the hard way that it is just not possible.

I brought up in conversation one night about where we stand and I hinted at having some feelings for him, but he replied that he still wanted a friends with benefit thing between us and that he doesn’t really feel anything intimate developing between us. When I heard that I just tried to think it was no big deal (even though it kind of sucked) and that I would tune down the “falling for him” part. Well, that didn’t work. After our talk, I ended up sleeping over at his house a few more times. The feelings for him just kept getting stronger and stronger. I suppose there was a side of me that was wishful thinking that maybe we’d develop into something. One night after hanging out with him and some of his friends, I realized I needed to call it off or I was going to get into more of an emotional hole. Little did I realize that I was already there.

Right before I went over to his apartment for the last time, he mentioned to me that he had genital herpes. I honestly was not educated enough about that STD, so he had to explain it to me. I was a bit uneasy with the fact that it took him nearly a month and a half to even mention it to me. Regardless, I still went over to his house because I knew this was going to be the last time I got to hold him and him hold me. We did not have sex that night. I think the guilt on his part and the break-it-off script I was rehearsing in my head caused us to go to bed.

The next morning I was awake for almost an hour thinking of what I was going to say. I ended up waking him up and asking him if he was ok with guys getting emotional in front of him. “What? What do you mean?” he said. “I mean, are you ok with guys crying in front of you?” I said. “Yeah. What’s up?” he said. That’s when I just broke down, full on tears. I told him I had feelings for him even though I realized he did not feel the same way about me. I ended up talking with him for over an hour about it. He gave me advice and told me some of his life experiences to try to explain that feelings are something I have no control over and that there’s essentially no way around heartbreak. Even though I was in a roller coaster of emotions that morning, I honestly felt that we may have left off on decent terms. He was afraid of feelings developing for a friends with benefits. I just can’t help but think that if it were any other guy who had their shit together and knew what they were doing (in bed and out) that maybe he would have considered something more intimate. I think with nearly all guys, looks come first. Always. Then personality.

Superficialness aside, I ended up calling it off with him. I withdraw from people when I’m hurt. For me, it was a better decision to stop seeing him because if we ended up hanging out as friends sometime, I would still have feelings for him. There’s just no way around that. I have to fully heal before I can go back to connecting with him. I’d still like to be friends with him one day, but at this point, I still miss him and am not completely over him. There were a lot of firsts I had with him. Though he wasn’t the first guy I lost my virginity to, it certainly felt more like it with him. He had a personality that people gravitate towards. Almost like a magnet. Perhaps it was this personality that I found desirable as well.

I didn’t realize how many guys he has slept with in general. That was another buzzkill. I just felt like a number. We are talking A LOT of guys. Makes my last 8 months seem completely irrelevant. I realize guys are promiscuous, but I had a hard time coming to terms with the volume of guys he had seen in the past and present. You’re stereotypical Grinder guy? I mean, maybe, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I, personally, am not looking to break a record for most guys I’ve slept with. I found out through all this experience however, that I am the type of guy who sometimes associates sex with intimacy, instead of associating sex as meaningless fun. Would I ever do a fwb again? Probably not.