The First Cut is the Deepest

Someone is bound to do it. Whether you are straight, gay, bi, transsexual, whatever. Someone is going to break your heart at some point in your life.

I mentioned before that I do not have much relationship experience. One, I came out recently to my friends and family. Two, I am still new to the gay scene, trying to make my way through this difficult “gay world.” It’s not my fault I came out late in life. I felt the time was here and now, so that’s when I let myself be seen. If I had come out in middle school or high school, I may not be standing here today. Bullying would have driven me to the edge. Bullying unfortunately brings a few kids to their end, sadly.

If I asked you how many dates does it take to go from “friendship” to a “relationship” phase, you’d give me a random number, probably high. I think everyone is different. You may know a guy is your type within a couple of dates. Maybe it takes you months or years to find out that what you are looking for has been right in front of you the whole time. As I am new to the dating scene, I don’t have much experience with the phases that go from first meeting, to wanting to be in a relationship. I am pretty vulnerable in this stage in my life because I don’t know what to expect.

I had met someone over a month ago. We met like most people my age meet, online. We started talking and then we decided to meet in person. We met (“date”?) for the first time at a restaurant and began getting acquainted. He was cute, seemed level-headed, outdoorsy, soft-spoken and fun to be around. I was hoping I was going to see him a second time after we had dinner. We did.

On the second date, we walked around and went to another restaurant. I already had butterflies for the guy the second time I met him. He was charming and just fun to be around. We talked some more and the date lasted maybe 2 hours. Not long, but it hopefully ended on a good note and the urge for both of us to see each other was mutual. It was.

On our third date, we went to a movie and that is where things got interesting. Again, every time I am around this guy, I had butterflies for him. During the movie, he reached over and started rubbing my leg. Not in a sexual way, but a comfort way. A kind of “I like being with you” type of way. I had mixed feelings from the get go. There was the “oh I like this” feeling and then came the “wait, do friends to do this?” feeling and then came the “shit, I better do something” feeling. I was nervous. I’ve never had a guy show me that type of affection before. I liked it, but I didn’t really know how to reciprocate without looking like an idiot. I tried, that’s all I could do. I awkwardly put my hand opposite from the side he was on, on his arm. I think it wasn’t as bad as I had thought. I don’t know, maybe it was. Anyways, after the movie, we walked back to his vehicle and hugged and was looking forward to seeing him again. Each time we said our temporary goodbyes, our hugs got a little tighter. He also began flirting subtly with me as the dates increased. Seemed to me like this is how a relationship starts. He hadn’t made any moves on me for a few dates, which I thought was honorable. However, things heated up a few dates later.

I now know what “watching a movie” is code for. I went to this guys house for the third time or so and I watched a movie with him. There was snuggling and cuddling for most of the movie, which was still nerve-racking for me, but I really liked it. My heart was pounding so hard that if he had had his head against my chest, my heart beat would have been louder than the movie. It was great, but nerve-racking.

After the movie, he made the move. We started to make out on his couch. We didn’t do too much, but I was very nervous. I am inexperienced and he didn’t know this at that moment. Where am I supposed to put my hands? What does it mean when he is on top of me? What am I supposed to do? What’s the wrong thing to do? I was just too nervous. So nervous that I actually went limp within a couple of minutes. How embarrassing! He didn’t have these issues, but a 25-year-old did. It was embarrassing to have this happen to someone I liked. Nothing I could do to get it excited.

After what seemed like 15-20 minutes of making out, I somehow brought it up in conversation that I was a virgin and didn’t have any experience. He was a little shocked and the date slowly winded down from the moment I said that. Before I left, he gave me a kiss. My gut was telling me something wasn’t right. I was thinking that he did that because he felt sorry for me for something he was about to do. Boy was my gut ever right.

We met two days after that happened. I tried to subtly suggest that we do something at his house. He insisted he come over to see me. That was a red flag to me. He has seen my place and there is nothing interesting about it. It’s super small and nothing to do here. Why would he want to come over here? What is going on?! I went along with it, and he came over. We talked for a little bit at my place and then we went to dinner. We talked about relationships, coming out, the whole works. Still had butterflies for him even though my gut was telling me something wasn’t right. I think it’s the way he looked at me. Plus he has a nice smile. Whatever the reason, I had fallen for him, when I shouldn’t have.

We were walking to his vehicle and about half way there he said “I’ll be honest with you. I think you are really attractive and I like you a lot and I want to be friends, but…” I can’t remember exactly what he said after that, but what he was basically saying is that he didn’t want to get involved with me (relationship wise) because I don’t have a lot of experience and I’m still a virgin. He mentioned he knew how it felt when he first fell in love and how hard he fell for someone and the roller coaster of emotions that went along with it. I kind of have a better understanding of what he was trying say now, but in the moment, I just kind of shut down. He “friend-zoned” me. Anyway that he would have said it was going to hurt. I just remember wanting to turn back and walk home and just process the information on my own. We walked a few blocks more to talk about things. I didn’t really feel like talking for most of the walk. I knew what was happening and I felt extremely vulnerable and shame. I am not worthy of connection apparently. There is something about me that has turned this nice gentleman away from me. Was it something about the way I look? Whatever, it’s me, not him. These are the thoughts that went through my head when I was walking with him. He wanted to get a pie after he had told me, so we walked to get one, but the place was closed. I was too upset anyways. I just wanted to get away from him. Why was I still walking with someone who just friend-zoned me? Is there something in my mind that is supposed to click that says “Ok! Stop having butterflies around him, he’s now just a friend. No more falling for him.”? It was hard for me to say goodbye for what I believe was the last time. A tight, last hug.

Once I got to my apartment, I just broke down. Hard. It was a very rough weekend. I had kind of lost my only friend that I had in Portland. No one to cry on their shoulder or to comfort me. I had to rely on calling friends and family for help. That was hard too. No one should grieve alone, but I did for the first couple of days. It was kind of a dark time. There were some not-so-pleasant thoughts going through my mind. I felt extremely embarrassed, vulnerable, and just a complete train wreak. I was picturing him just kind of laughing when he saw the texts that I wrote him. Telling his buddies that this weirdo was over-reacting and to stay away from him. He has people he can talk to here, I don’t. I sent him a very long text message how I felt about the whole situation. I tend to process through speaking and writing. I would have called him, but that would have made HIM uncomfortable, not me. I didn’t want to make things worse by making him feel awkward. So I wrote him. Looking back, some of the things I said were probably a little unnecessary, but I was processing it all. I guess I did it because I wanted him to feel as bad as I was feeling. I thought it was a shallow move (but I understand why), and I am such a submissive, nice, person that I don’t think I deserved that at all. I’ve talked to a few guys that are very nice and outgoing like me, and they seem to have trouble with relationships too. Why is that? Are nice guys not attractive? I don’t get it.

It’s been over a week since this shit happened, and I feel better. I miss the guy from time to time, but I know I need to keep my distance for a while. I mentioned to him that I didn’t want to be friends because I would feel the same way about him that I had felt before. Though I hadn’t really seen the guy for a really long time, I was falling for him and I felt as though it was harder to be turned away without even given a chance to experience a relationship, than it would be to have experienced a relationship and have it not work out. Can’t get the experience if no one is willing to give it to you.

Lessons I’ve learned? Don’t mention the whole virginity/no relationships thing to a guy you like. Let me rephrase that; don’t go out of your way and let that information be known right off the bat with the guy you are seeing. It’s personal information and it scares guys away. I’ve learned that the hard way.

Hey KP,

I really appreciate how open and candid your posts are – thank you again for putting yourself out there to start these conversations. I’m going to hop around from topic to topic… you can think of each of these at all self-contained comments, just in the same post.

=====

First off, and most importantly, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Sharing your story about your attempt at connection gives hope to me (and others) by showing everyone that we all struggle with this issue. We’ve all been dumped, been “friend zoned”, or otherwise been made to feel undesirable at some point in our lives before. It’s not just you, it’s all of us. We have all thought “what did I do” even though we know we shouldn’t blame ourselves for the outcome.

Twice in the recent past I’ve had the opportunity to fall for guys who I ended up having deep feelings for, and whom I truly believed had deep feelings for me. Unfortunately for me, all our time together did was serve to make them realize that if someone like me wasn’t able to make them forget about their respective exes then they should probably just try to go chase after them and get back with them. I know it’s them, not me, but sometimes it’s hard to believe that when something so similar happened twice.

=====

I’m 32 years old and like you, I also am too young to be having a medical problem that would require meds in order to perform. That said, the first time I am ever with someone I get soooo stuck in my head and so nervous nothing works down there for me.

I have to feel very comfortable with someone before that problem will go away and I have to know with absolute certainty that they will react in the ‘non-shaming’ way I need them to *when* it happens the first time we try to get physically intimate. Once my brain realizes he isn’t a threat, that he will be supportive of me, won’t judge me, and he’ll still let me do what I can to ensure he’s sexually satisfied even if I’m not “up” for the challenge at the moment, then (and only then) everything works as expected.

Personally, I know the exact psychological reasons why this happens for me, and although I’d be happy to share the story and reasons with you privately if you are interested in a deeper conversation on the topic, I’m going to opt out of sharing that deeply on a public forum.

=====

Switching to another topic – gay men and virginity. Being a guy who’s not a virgin (but like all of us, once was one 😉 I can see multiple sides on this topic. There are a few reasons I’ve noticed guys either prefer (or avoid) other guys that are virgins. This list doesn’t necessarily represent my personal views, but is more a compilation of all of the views I’ve came across. After the list is out there I’ll give you my personal perspective.

Virginity (Pro):
1. Some guys are just turned on by the idea of taking someone’s virginity. These are the guys who answer the OkCupid question that they are “more attracted to virgins”.
2. If I am bad in bed, you won’t know just how bad in bed I really am.
3. Religious reasons.

Sadly, the pro-list is a pretty sad state of affairs.

First off, those guys who answered yes to #1 I’d personally avoid like the plague. This might be a stereotype, but personally I feel if someone is attracted to the idea of taking someone’s virginity then they are probably just interested in the person for the sexual conquest and is likely not going to stick around to develop a meaningful relationship. Eventually they will move on to the next virgin to deflower.

#2 – If there is a pro to virginity on my personal list, this would be it 🙂 More on this later.

#3 – Some people strongly feel in no sex before marriage and no divorce. This means virgins until the wedding night. Personally, I feel like this is a horrible idea. More on that later too.

Now on to the con list (brace yourself – it’s going to be longer and full of unfair stereotypes).

Virginity (Con):
1. Inexperience in bed might lead to less satisfying sexual experiences.
2. As the virgin doesn’t yet know what he likes sexually (top, bottom, versatile), there’s a chance you will fall in love with someone and end up finding out that you’re sexually incompatible with them.
3. First love tends to be a falling fast and falling hard kind of love.
4. First relationships can be filled with uncertainty and thus they can be considered “high maintenance” relationships.
5. It’s only a matter of time until the once-virgin dumps their partner so they can “see what else it out there” feeling that being with one person isn’t enough experience to settle down and get serious.

Ok, now lets start looking at the Pro’s in these Con’s and start blowing some of these stereotypes out of the water.

#1 – Some guys might actually consider this a Pro as they don’t have to get their partner to “unlearn” something they learned in a previous relationship that they don’t like in bed. As they are getting in on the “ground floor” so to say, they can help shape the virgin’s sexual education to best fit their own sexual needs.

For those that do see this as a negative, my personal problem with them is that to me they are placing too much emphasis on sex. Yes, sex is an important part of a relationship but to me it shouldn’t be the most important part. To me sex should be an outward expression of an inner emotion and if that really is the case, all sexual experiences will be satisfying at some level. As time goes on and you get to know each other’s likes and dislikes in bed, the physical part of that satisfaction can deepen. Any person who is inexperienced at the beginning, becomes more experienced over time.

Personally, my longest relationship started off with someone who was the least sexually experienced person I had ever been with, and because of that was also the least physically satisfying as well. That said, over the course of that relationship we grew emotionally and physically closer together and eventually what we shared physically became the most satisfying sexual relationship I had ever been in.

#2 – Sexual compatibility isn’t a myth. As much as the romantic in me wants to say “sex shouldn’t matter!” the truth is it does. I know someone who was previously a very monogamous, committed kind of guy but ended up falling in love with someone he was sexually incompatible with. The sexual frustration was becoming a huge issue between them and was leading to arguments and general resentment for each other in their relationship. Ultimately the decision he and his partner had to make in their relationship was either break up, or to “open up” their relationship so they weren’t sexually frustrated anymore.

Since they did truly love each other though and couldn’t imagine their lives without each other they did the only thing they could think of to do and that was to open up their relationship to other sexual partners. For someone like me who is monogamous, it was hard for me to see someone who used to feel as strongly as I did about commitment suddenly “compromise” on such a core belief in order to keep their relationship going. I don’t judge their decision as it appears to work for them, but there’s always a part of me that feels like that was a devil’s compromise. To me I have to imagine that a part of him had to die inside in order to be ok with that arrangement… and I’ll admit that does make me sad.

#3 – This seems to be the reason the guy in your post was referring to. First loves can be a whirlwind. You fall hard and fast and the pain of that first breakup sometimes stays with someone for quite sometime. Many people who appear to be “jaded” are the ones that never bounced back from that first heart break. Some guys remember the pain of that all too clearly and are just unwilling to be the person that might cause that feeling in someone else. They feel as if they must be 100% sure from Day 1 that everything will work out and it won’t lead to a break up when we all know such certainty is an impossibility.

#4 – A problem that some fear will accelerate the demise of the relationship (leading to the feared heartbreak in #3), is that when you have no relationship experience you really can’t be certain of exactly how you will be in that relationship. You don’t really know “what you want” or “how you’ll be” in a relationship until you’re in one. This can lead to inconsistency as you figure things out. For those that have already figured things out, they may not be patient enough to let their partner find who they are in a relationship – or worse yet they are afraid that once they do find who they are in a relationship they won’t be the same person they fell in love with and that will lead to a breakup.

#5 – For someone who is looking for a serious, long-term, committed relationship this can be a big one. This is basically the fear that someday your partner will wake up one morning, realize they’ve only been with only one person and, because of lack of experience with dating, start to question if their partner is “the one” for them or not because they have no frame of reference to compare them to. Since they can’t be *certain* that this is the best person for them, a nagging feeling that they are settling before knowing what else is out there starts to gnaw away at them. At some point the person says “I want to see other people” and the relationship unravels and leaves the other guy heartbroken.

In my opinion, there are only two root causes for this list “cons”, one for #1 and one for #2 through #5

Truth #1 – Some people just put too much emphasis on sex.
Truth #2 – Some people are just too afraid of vulnerability.

That’s it.

Every “con” after the lack of experience in bed is that being with someone who is a virgin makes them feel vulnerable.

What if we find we’re not sexually compatible after we’ve fallen in love and I get my heart broken?
What if the the relationship doesn’t work out, regardless of the reason, and I end up being the first guy to break his heart? Can I live with myself knowing I’m responsible for taking someone innocent and beautiful and helping to make them jaded?
What if even if neither of us does anything wrong and we’re happy together he decides to leave me anyway to “see what else is out there”?

If you notice, each of those questions is based on fear. Fear of rejection and disconnection. Fear of breaking one of ‘the good ones’ and turning him into one of the many “jaded old fags” that already exist. Fear or not being enough. I strongly believe that it’s these fears that make people get “scared off” by virgins more than anything else.

Even for me personally, on my OkCupid profile (that’s how I found your blog, btw) I’ll admit that all of the questions I have answered are “anti-virgin”. Not because I actually would have a problem with being with someone who is a virgin, but because if I’m going to have a computer algorithm pick someone for me from out of the blue I needed to find a way to program it to find guys who know what they’re looking for and are ready for a committed, serious, long-term relationship.

Unfortunately online dating isn’t that simple, so we have to work with the questions it provides. The hope being that if you indicate you are looking for someone who has “more experience in dating” the algorithm will turn up guys who are more likely to already know what they want and hopefully more likely to be ready for something “serious”.

Of course the negative of doing that is sometimes you run across a profile that you find absolutely amazing and you know you’d be a great match to, but your “match percentage” is very low. Then you start to wonder “How could someone whose words I connect to so deeply be such a low match to me?”

So you look through the “unacceptable answers” to figure out why the computer thinks you shouldn’t be together and quickly realize that all of the generalizations you had to make when originally answering questions to help the algorithm find a “match”, are ones you would have never had personally applied to the specific profile you’re looking at. Knowing that if you were to throw out all of unacceptable answers that shouldn’t apply, you’d like actually have a very high match percentage to the profile you’re looking at, you reach out to them only to later realize the message will never actually get to them.

Thanks to modern technology, the message would likely get “filtered out” into their filtered messages folder since the computer decided you were such a bad match, there’s no reason to bother the other person with your message. (It’s because of this, you never know what’s hiding in your filtered folder that you wish you would have gotten.)

So foiled by the computer, you then you have to find more “creative” ways to reach out to someone to get their attention… 🙂 What can I say, computers aren’t perfect matchmakers yet.

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To wrap up this comment that’s now likely longer than your original blog post, I want to make an observation on your lessons learned. You are right, that getting in too deep of a conversation too soon can scare some guys off, but at the same you should never feel ashamed of who you are which is the vibe I get from reading your words. I’m happy to see that hasn’t prevented you from being very honest and open about the way you think, feel, love and communicate.

Don’t be ashamed of your virginity.
Don’t be ashamed of your lack of relationship experience.
Don’t be ashamed of what you feel or how you feel it.
Don’t be ashamed of your process.

Be true to who you are no matter what. Will that scare some people away? Sure. But those people aren’t the people you need in your life anyway. Just put yourself out there and keep your eyes open to find the people who want to know you just as the person you truly are – not as the person you think they want to see.

— JS

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2 responses to “The First Cut is the Deepest”

JstinSwal says:

March 28, 2015 at 2:28 am

Hey KP,

I really appreciate how open and candid your posts are – thank you again for putting yourself out there to start these conversations. I’m going to hop around from topic to topic… you can think of each of these at all self-contained comments, just in the same post.

=====

First off, and most importantly, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Sharing your story about your attempt at connection gives hope to me (and others) by showing everyone that we all struggle with this issue. We’ve all been dumped, been “friend zoned”, or otherwise been made to feel undesirable at some point in our lives before. It’s not just you, it’s all of us. We have all thought “what did I do” even though we know we shouldn’t blame ourselves for the outcome.

Twice in the recent past I’ve had the opportunity to fall for guys who I ended up having deep feelings for, and whom I truly believed had deep feelings for me. Unfortunately for me, all our time together did was serve to make them realize that if someone like me wasn’t able to make them forget about their respective exes then they should probably just try to go chase after them and get back with them. I know it’s them, not me, but sometimes it’s hard to believe that when something so similar happened twice.

=====

I’m 32 years old and like you, I also am too young to be having a medical problem that would require meds in order to perform. That said, the first time I am ever with someone I get soooo stuck in my head and so nervous nothing works down there for me.

I have to feel very comfortable with someone before that problem will go away and I have to know with absolute certainty that they will react in the ‘non-shaming’ way I need them to *when* it happens the first time we try to get physically intimate. Once my brain realizes he isn’t a threat, that he will be supportive of me, won’t judge me, and he’ll still let me do what I can to ensure he’s sexually satisfied even if I’m not “up” for the challenge at the moment, then (and only then) everything works as expected.

Personally, I know the exact psychological reasons why this happens for me, and although I’d be happy to share the story and reasons with you privately if you are interested in a deeper conversation on the topic, I’m going to opt out of sharing that deeply on a public forum.

=====

Switching to another topic – gay men and virginity. Being a guy who’s not a virgin (but like all of us, once was one 😉 I can see multiple sides on this topic. There are a few reasons I’ve noticed guys either prefer (or avoid) other guys that are virgins. This list doesn’t necessarily represent my personal views, but is more a compilation of all of the views I’ve came across. After the list is out there I’ll give you my personal perspective.

Virginity (Pro):
1. Some guys are just turned on by the idea of taking someone’s virginity. These are the guys who answer the OkCupid question that they are “more attracted to virgins”.
2. If I am bad in bed, you won’t know just how bad in bed I really am.
3. Religious reasons.

Sadly, the pro-list is a pretty sad state of affairs.

First off, those guys who answered yes to #1 I’d personally avoid like the plague. This might be a stereotype, but personally I feel if someone is attracted to the idea of taking someone’s virginity then they are probably just interested in the person for the sexual conquest and is likely not going to stick around to develop a meaningful relationship. Eventually they will move on to the next virgin to deflower.

#2 – If there is a pro to virginity on my personal list, this would be it 🙂 More on this later.

#3 – Some people strongly feel in no sex before marriage and no divorce. This means virgins until the wedding night. Personally, I feel like this is a horrible idea. More on that later too.

Now on to the con list (brace yourself – it’s going to be longer and full of unfair stereotypes).

Virginity (Con):
1. Inexperience in bed might lead to less satisfying sexual experiences.
2. As the virgin doesn’t yet know what he likes sexually (top, bottom, versatile), there’s a chance you will fall in love with someone and end up finding out that you’re sexually incompatible with them.
3. First love tends to be a falling fast and falling hard kind of love.
4. First relationships can be filled with uncertainty and thus they can be considered “high maintenance” relationships.
5. It’s only a matter of time until the once-virgin dumps their partner so they can “see what else it out there” feeling that being with one person isn’t enough experience to settle down and get serious.

Ok, now lets start looking at the Pro’s in these Con’s and start blowing some of these stereotypes out of the water.

#1 – Some guys might actually consider this a Pro as they don’t have to get their partner to “unlearn” something they learned in a previous relationship that they don’t like in bed. As they are getting in on the “ground floor” so to say, they can help shape the virgin’s sexual education to best fit their own sexual needs.

For those that do see this as a negative, my personal problem with them is that to me they are placing too much emphasis on sex. Yes, sex is an important part of a relationship but to me it shouldn’t be the most important part. To me sex should be an outward expression of an inner emotion and if that really is the case, all sexual experiences will be satisfying at some level. As time goes on and you get to know each other’s likes and dislikes in bed, the physical part of that satisfaction can deepen. Any person who is inexperienced at the beginning, becomes more experienced over time.

Personally, my longest relationship started off with someone who was the least sexually experienced person I had ever been with, and because of that was also the least physically satisfying as well. That said, over the course of that relationship we grew emotionally and physically closer together and eventually what we shared physically became the most satisfying sexual relationship I had ever been in.

#2 – Sexual compatibility isn’t a myth. As much as the romantic in me wants to say “sex shouldn’t matter!” the truth is it does. I know someone who was previously a very monogamous, committed kind of guy but ended up falling in love with someone he was sexually incompatible with. The sexual frustration was becoming a huge issue between them and was leading to arguments and general resentment for each other in their relationship. Ultimately the decision he and his partner had to make in their relationship was either break up, or to “open up” their relationship so they weren’t sexually frustrated anymore.

Since they did truly love each other though and couldn’t imagine their lives without each other they did the only thing they could think of to do and that was to open up their relationship to other sexual partners. For someone like me who is monogamous, it was hard for me to see someone who used to feel as strongly as I did about commitment suddenly “compromise” on such a core belief in order to keep their relationship going. I don’t judge their decision as it appears to work for them, but there’s always a part of me that feels like that was a devil’s compromise. To me I have to imagine that a part of him had to die inside in order to be ok with that arrangement… and I’ll admit that does make me sad.

#3 – This seems to be the reason the guy in your post was referring to. First loves can be a whirlwind. You fall hard and fast and the pain of that first breakup sometimes stays with someone for quite sometime. Many people who appear to be “jaded” are the ones that never bounced back from that first heart break. Some guys remember the pain of that all too clearly and are just unwilling to be the person that might cause that feeling in someone else. They feel as if they must be 100% sure from Day 1 that everything will work out and it won’t lead to a break up when we all know such certainty is an impossibility.

#4 – A problem that some fear will accelerate the demise of the relationship (leading to the feared heartbreak in #3), is that when you have no relationship experience you really can’t be certain of exactly how you will be in that relationship. You don’t really know “what you want” or “how you’ll be” in a relationship until you’re in one. This can lead to inconsistency as you figure things out. For those that have already figured things out, they may not be patient enough to let their partner find who they are in a relationship – or worse yet they are afraid that once they do find who they are in a relationship they won’t be the same person they fell in love with and that will lead to a breakup.

#5 – For someone who is looking for a serious, long-term, committed relationship this can be a big one. This is basically the fear that someday your partner will wake up one morning, realize they’ve only been with only one person and, because of lack of experience with dating, start to question if their partner is “the one” for them or not because they have no frame of reference to compare them to. Since they can’t be *certain* that this is the best person for them, a nagging feeling that they are settling before knowing what else is out there starts to gnaw away at them. At some point the person says “I want to see other people” and the relationship unravels and leaves the other guy heartbroken.

In my opinion, there are only two root causes for this list “cons”, one for #1 and one for #2 through #5

Truth #1 – Some people just put too much emphasis on sex.
Truth #2 – Some people are just too afraid of vulnerability.

That’s it.

Every “con” after the lack of experience in bed is that being with someone who is a virgin makes them feel vulnerable.

What if we find we’re not sexually compatible after we’ve fallen in love and I get my heart broken?
What if the the relationship doesn’t work out, regardless of the reason, and I end up being the first guy to break his heart? Can I live with myself knowing I’m responsible for taking someone innocent and beautiful and helping to make them jaded?
What if even if neither of us does anything wrong and we’re happy together he decides to leave me anyway to “see what else is out there”?

If you notice, each of those questions is based on fear. Fear of rejection and disconnection. Fear of breaking one of ‘the good ones’ and turning him into one of the many “jaded old fags” that already exist. Fear or not being enough. I strongly believe that it’s these fears that make people get “scared off” by virgins more than anything else.

Even for me personally, on my OkCupid profile (that’s how I found your blog, btw) I’ll admit that all of the questions I have answered are “anti-virgin”. Not because I actually would have a problem with being with someone who is a virgin, but because if I’m going to have a computer algorithm pick someone for me from out of the blue I needed to find a way to program it to find guys who know what they’re looking for and are ready for a committed, serious, long-term relationship.

Unfortunately online dating isn’t that simple, so we have to work with the questions it provides. The hope being that if you indicate you are looking for someone who has “more experience in dating” the algorithm will turn up guys who are more likely to already know what they want and hopefully more likely to be ready for something “serious”.

Of course the negative of doing that is sometimes you run across a profile that you find absolutely amazing and you know you’d be a great match to, but your “match percentage” is very low. Then you start to wonder “How could someone whose words I connect to so deeply be such a low match to me?”

So you look through the “unacceptable answers” to figure out why the computer thinks you shouldn’t be together and quickly realize that all of the generalizations you had to make when originally answering questions to help the algorithm find a “match”, are ones you would have never had personally applied to the specific profile you’re looking at. Knowing that if you were to throw out all of unacceptable answers that shouldn’t apply, you’d like actually have a very high match percentage to the profile you’re looking at, you reach out to them only to later realize the message will never actually get to them.

Thanks to modern technology, the message would likely get “filtered out” into their filtered messages folder since the computer decided you were such a bad match, there’s no reason to bother the other person with your message. (It’s because of this, you never know what’s hiding in your filtered folder that you wish you would have gotten.)

So foiled by the computer, you then you have to find more “creative” ways to reach out to someone to get their attention… 🙂 What can I say, computers aren’t perfect matchmakers yet.

=====

To wrap up this comment that’s now likely longer than your original blog post, I want to make an observation on your lessons learned. You are right, that getting in too deep of a conversation too soon can scare some guys off, but at the same you should never feel ashamed of who you are which is the vibe I get from reading your words. I’m happy to see that hasn’t prevented you from being very honest and open about the way you think, feel, love and communicate.

Don’t be ashamed of your virginity.
Don’t be ashamed of your lack of relationship experience.
Don’t be ashamed of what you feel or how you feel it.
Don’t be ashamed of your process.

Be true to who you are no matter what. Will that scare some people away? Sure. But those people aren’t the people you need in your life anyway. Just put yourself out there and keep your eyes open to find the people who want to know you just as the person you truly are – not as the person you think they want to see.

— JS

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- lifethroughgayeyes says:
  
  April 8, 2015 at 11:09 pm
  
  Hi Justin,
  
  I appreciate your input on the different transitions I am going through. Though I realize I am not alone in this “struggle”, it is always nice for someone to speak up and mention similar issues that are relatable. It would be great if more guys were open to talk about deeper issues, instead of disregarding them and thinking that they are irrelevant or that talking about personal issues somehow is perceived as being weak.
  
  I will say that a lot has happened to me in the last 5 months. The good and the bad. I don’t regret anything that has happened in the last 5 months, as this is all a learning experience for me. I think one of the best ways to learn is from your mistakes. I think this move to Portland was probably one of the best moves I have ever made.
  
  Thanks again.
  
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